Pushing the Fury Button (repeatedly, with a hammer)
I’m going to be completely honest here so brace yourself. There are a couple of people in my life that I just detest with every fibre of my being. And I’m wondering how to deal with it. I googled Bible verses about loving one another and came up with about a billion references – none of which really helped at all. There is advice to forgive one another which sounds great but in this case there’s nothing to forgive. I just can’t stand to be around these people – they have done nothing whatever to me, or to anyone I love but it’s like trying to mix oil and water or lighting a match when there's a gas leak. The two things cannot exist together in the same space. Not without me feeling like an overfilled balloon full of molten rage anyway. Is this normal? Does everyone have a person in their life that just pushes their internal self-immolation button? I’m beginning to suspect I have found the cause of spontaneous human combustion – not something I want written on my death certificate. So what do I do?
I’ve tried examining what specific thing it is that bothers me about these people. But so far I’ve found it impossible to narrow it down. I’ve tried “journaling” (and it pains me to use that as a verb) but that just results in pages and pages of invective and a very tired hand.
I’ve tried lame rituals like painting their names on rocks and slowly washing off the paint while asking God to help me let go of my anger. And I do feel marginally better after doing it. But then I see one or other of them again and just feel like I need to hop about and shout incoherently like a firework in an enclosed saucepan.
I’m not telling you this because I want advice. Obviously if you have some wise words I would love to hear them but the last person who attempted to help said the following “sit down and breathe deeply. Imagine the person who bothers you. Take all that heat and anger and picture it as a flaming ball. Focus on reducing the size of that ball and surround yourself in pink light – then release the ball to the universe and allow love to fill the space it’s left”. I won’t go into details, but we don’t have any contact any more. Needless to say, it didn’t help much, though it did distribute the fury a little more widely.
Ah well, I guess I may as well just accept it. It’s not like I ever truly believed myself NOT to be a hypocrite. And as when your child insists on going outside wearing nothing but a toy tool belt and a construction workers helmet, I’m sure God doesn’t love me any less – but he'll be REALLY HAPPY when I grow out of it.