Failing to Plan - Planning to Fail
Prioritising is not my gift. I can do it at work - when I’m paid to do it - but at home and in my personal life, NO. This leads to frequent meltdowns when I find I can’t do the things I want to do because I’m already committed to doing something I don’t care about. That is ridiculous. A woman of my years should have more command over her time, money and emotional availability.
Another thing I rebel against is any motivational quote. Show me a rustic sign, written in a variety of fonts, telling me to “Live, Laugh, Love” or to “Expect Problems and Eat Them for Breakfast” and I will show you how many rude rebuttals I can come up with. These do not inspire me to anything more than a resentful sneer, and a child-like retort of “Don’t tell me what to do!” I think this is quite a British thing, borne of thousands of years of alternate conquest and subjugation. The British people are proudly bloody minded. At least, this one is. I am aware that I often shoot myself in the foot by refusing to listen to a sermon, read a book or listen to some music that someone insists is inspiring. But I’m more keenly aware of the perversely gleeful delight to be found in NOT doing any of those things. Recently a group I belong to held a day retreat. There were flurries of e-mails describing how we would all get to know one another better, listen to a couple of speakers in pant-suits and hairspray describe their quest for “personhood” etc etc. I would be willing to bet there was an awful lot of burlap and chalkboard used for everything from name tags to toilet paper. I deliberately wrote it on my calendar in big letters purely so I could spend the entire day happily knowing I wasn’t there. And smiled in satisfaction each time it came to mind as I thought “Try and improve my life will you???? I’ll show you!”
I do realise that at some point this has to stop. And I’ve a horrible feeling my life will end like one of those awful game shows where they show you the amazing boat, house or car you could have won if only you had known some simple fact or other.
There is one thing I am prepared to work on though and that is structure. I’m taking some time to write down a list of my values, from that I can see my priorities more clearly at least. I’m fed up with giving God what’s left of my time, talent and treasure - there is no one else I would consider giving anything to “at the end of the month if there’s anything left”. I’ll drop everything to lend a hand when someone needs it, spend money I don’t have to buy a gift to show someone they are loved or to buy them a meal, and I’ll always say yes if I’m asked to sing, bake or help with some creative project. So why does God get the left overs? That’s the wrong way around and I’m definitely feeling inspired to change my approach. Hmm .. maybe I should paint something to that effect on a rustic sign …?
The fact that you scrolled down to see if there is another paragraph pleases me. I carefully planned this blog to feel unfinished.